"Today I announce a raft of measures central to the life of Australians, and Australia. That’s why I am surrounded by Australian flags and am wearing an Australian flag face mask, as well as my Australian flag lapel badge. Because Australians like that. It makes them feel we in Australia are all in this together, pushing through the windscreen.
Clearly these measures are vital to Australia, a place where Australians never look into the rear-vision mirror, even when reversing at full speed.
Australians already like the Positive Energy we are bringing to Australia, because they clearly support technology like clean coal rather than the punishing taxes Labor will propose one day. Just look at the brown hydrogen we are already exporting from Australia.
Some Australian journalists are so desperate for content they have actually accused Australia’s Prime Minister of lying. I stand before you today to solemnly assure Australians I have never lied. Australia is better than that.
Today I ask Australians to Stand Strong, because our Australian focus groups show that Australia now prefers two-word slogans to the old three-word ones. If Australians stand strong and push through, Australia has a bright future in the eyes of God, my personal mate.
Australia can only benefit from having children driving forklifts and importing cheap foreign workers, because Australians have better things to do than train for skilled Australian jobs. Australia is better off importing technology and cars, for instance, while exporting any bright ideas Australians might have. That enhances Australia’s reputation in the world, especially in France and Serbia.
We are clearly best at managing the Australian economy to benefit Australians. We have cleverly arranged for future generations of Australians to pay off our manageable debt, while bringing wealthy Australians unprecedented tax cuts in the tradition of one of Australia’s favourite books, the Magic Pudding. We have fostered record prices for Australian family homes, making many Australians better off than they have ever been.
We understand the pain Australians are going through because of this global pandemic that’s all China’s fault. But we also recognise that Australians want to keep prices down in Australia by blocking pay rises or unaffordable staffing ratios for Australian heroes like nurses and aged care workers. We salute these heroes as they underpin the profits of our rich Australian mates, proving that if Australia privatises everything, Australians are better off.
But Australians can rest assured that one day this pandemic will fade from memory, like a miracle, just before Australia’s next federal election, when the wisdom of letting it rip will be obvious to all Australians who didn’t die from it.
But more immediately, I urge all Australians to get behind Australia Day, that sacred celebration of white Australia’s supremacy, culture and Australian beer. I’ll be having one myself while watching my favourite Australian footy team and wearing a Chinese-made baseball cap and eating an Australian meat pie for the Australian photographers. With sauce of course.
I urge First Nations people, here before Australia was even Australia, to celebrate our unity as Australians and don’t look in the rear vision mirror. It’s time Australians moved on from our history, except of course for the glorious achievements Australia can boast. Thank you Australia. We won’t be taking any questions at this time, or ever if we can help it. Amen."
